something in me just needs to let go......

exhaustion

2010-06-11T07:36:00.000-07:00

today I am exhausted, I dont want to smile, I dont want to laugh, I dont want to open my eyes, I just want to lay down and float away into another reality. Everything wrong has happened since I woke up , why cant I react better and then maybe it wouldnt have been so bad, why not? becuase I can t even get the will to be nice. I am tired, my body aches, my mind hurts and my heart is scared. I am utterly exhausted and I need time, I need a break... God I know that you are my provider and even in times when I dont even know what it is that I need, you do. I pray you would bring it to me today, Lord.

randomness

2010-05-15T21:13:00.000-07:00

I am going to do something good for my family, I am going to do something good for me.

The happier I am , the happier they will be,

The healthier I am , he healthier they will be

What does it seem so hard to make the right decisions sometimes when you know it will be the better choice for all of you.

i want to be healthier and lately I have really been miserable and it is starting to show in more ways than one.

I dont have any real friends any more

I have people that I know , people that I like or that like me ,
but the ones I think of as close friends all have things that I dont want , all except Eunice, but she is so far away

I try so hard to be there for people but they dont seem to care or even realize what it takes to go out of my way and do things for them that might be easier if they just did it them selves.

I want to help thats why I don it bu it gets old when no one helps me
but I know thats not true either, God puts people in our lives that help us get through.

It seems like there is always someone around to help me get through a certain situation but then they are gone. I want some one to stay .

I dont want to here about parties that you went to and got drunk because that doesnt make you look cool to me. that shows me your lack of intelligence , but who am I to judge.

My mind plays tricks on me

2010-05-14T15:30:00.000-07:00

I am realy fine.
My reality is a normal life at least now days.
I tell my self that I am fine and life is good but I dont really believe it.
When you look at me , what do you see?
I sometimes wonder what people really think of me and if they are talking about me behind my back the way that they do about all of their other friends. Maybe I would care but probably not.
Some times I miss the way I used to be but then I realize that I am the way I am for a reason and I love who I really am. I wish more people could see the real me.

Even the people that would tell you that they know me better than anyone else, scarcely even know me.
I have not been who I am and who I want to be in so long.
I keep making excuses because it would just be to much to take care of me.
Just one more thing added to my schedule that I cant fit in anyways.
but I do a grat job taking care of anyone else right? how good of a job can it be if they can see that I am not whole.
Its starting to show now
my life started to fall apart, my sanity waiver. there was one thing that grounded me and that one thing was God.

I seek him now in my spirit. I want Him more than ever. I need Him more than ever.

God show me the way to trust you and rely soley on you
give me strength inspite of my self, I pray your Joy in my life again!

Random thought whatever day

2010-01-13T14:40:00.001-08:00

I like the green lime flavored popcorn from The Corn Popper!!!!! It is yummy !!!

I know

2010-01-07T19:32:00.000-08:00

I know that it is my fault when things dont go well with the kids, I need me to be more disciplined with them, they need me to be more consistent. Then why is it that they can be little angels for weeks in a row and then turn into Devil spawn!!!! My little girl feels like she has the right to throw tantrums suddenly and my little boy reverts back to crying?!?! what the heck!!!!!!!! I thought this was finally over and I could start actually enjoying my kids but then here they go screaming again, when did they start this and why couldnt I have prevented it, why is it always peachy when its someone elses kids and you can do nothing right when its your own???? I miss them all day and want to see them until I actually pick them up and they argue about the stupidist thing and then I wish I never picked them up, I know that sounds bad but its just so frustrating and me getting upset doesnt help but how do you get their attention with out getting louder than they are??? every one thinks my kids are the perfect kids! ha!! you try taking them to the store and they will walk beside you holding your hand but the second you say they cant have something they want and they start whining and by the time you get out of the store one of them is in a full fledged fit. I really cant take it and I want to just leave them there sometimes. j/k but really if you have kids you know how frustrating it can be and no I would never really leave them there but every sane mother has those insane thoughts at times. it all boils down to me. I need to step up to the plate, its really hard though, how can I do it? I need God to help me , I cant do it with out Him. I need to get up earlier every morning and be ready so that when they get up I can help them through their morning instead of dishing out orders and making them rush around half asleep cause I woke up late, and I need to focus on work while at work and some how fit in a short fitness routine that will help me keep my energy level up, I need to red my bible every morning or night and let them see me so that they will develope the habit also, I need to make time to study after the kids go to bed so that they dont feel like I am ignoreing them when I study and they want to play, I need to make the evening time about them and remember to discipline enough to make a difference. I want to go to wed night church but we get home to late to get anything doen and we get to bed late which throughs them off their schedule, need to get all this worked out and I just cant even do half of it on my own. I need to have time for them people in my life also, my friends and family so that they dont think I have forgotten them, and time to do things with the kids beside dinner and bath time. and maybe some day find a husband , he he wouldnt that be nice. He would have to be one of a kind to put up with me but I guess thats what would make him worth it:) So I pray strength wisdom and perseverance to us both!!

My thoughts for today

2010-01-04T20:29:00.000-08:00

I am so blessed and glad to be working for a company that I can believe in. I see a passion in the people that work there, an understanding that I need in my life.

Why does school have to be so stressful, every aspect, from my soons first grade teacher to my online courses being full before I even get a chance to sign up???

Why do people think that because of something that happened to them, that I would ever stop loving them. They don't see through me or know whats happened to me, but I guess I kinda look like I am fine so nothing has ever happened to me that would compare with what they have gone through so I just wouldnt understand............No, I have had my share of hard times and I have entrust the future to a God that knows my past and still loves me and is watching out for me so I dont have to focus on what was, I can look to what will be..... I could never judge a person , it simply isnt my place, I would never say that you are unworthy or unloveable because someone has doen something wrong to you, it doesnt change who you are, it doesnt make you a statistic, you are still you. The same beautiful intelligant and loving person I have always known you to be. I have seen you at your worst and I have seen you shining at your best but why do people think that becuase something happened to them that you would love them any less

My son had his first day in his new classroom and absolutaly loooooved it!!!!! he was super excited and couldnt wait to tell me all about his new teacher!! Thank you Jesus for favor in the school system!! Both his and mine!!

I wish that my mom could be a regular mom......... I love her but she is always sick, for as long as I can remember. I want her to feel healthy, I want her to be happy. I have always felt like I was in the way some how when I actually just wanted to help, but nothing is ever good enough, nothing satisfied. how do you make happy the sad. How do you make some one feel who doesnt have the desire or want to. I pray for healing and I know that she despairs , I try to imagine life if she were to be happy, maybe she would go shopping with me sometime or watch the kids so I could go on a date...lol but really I just wish I could take away the pain of the last 15 years and let her have a normal life pain free....

I bought an area rug for my living room when I move and I kinda want it in my room now and I dont want to spend that much money on another one?!

I have a secret....something only one other person in the world knows

I have another secret.... something only two people in the world know

how many secrets do we really keep?

intentionally or not, we forget, or want to, and we never tell anyone

or we hide and purposefully never say a word.

no one has any idea, no one would ever know, unless.......

I will find out soon enough. but will you?

God only knows and only He has a devine purpose for my life that even I could not screw up, so Lord let it be as you will......Amen

Zone log entry #2

2009-12-17T08:17:00.001-08:00

Coming soon......

Random Thought Tuesday

2009-12-15T19:13:00.001-08:00

Today I have buggies and I am drinking rainbow sherbert punch:)

My nose is cold

I cant find the usb cable for my camera so that I can download pictures and get it ready for Christmas

I tooted, just be happy you cant smell it:)

Joy makes me happy:) he he he

When did I become THAT mom???

2009-12-14T09:44:00.000-08:00

and now what do I do?

My little superhero is having problems warding off the kids at school!

He has never been one to bulley or be ugly to the other kids or the teachers at all, but lately he seems like he is just frustrated and they are not helping!!

Since when did it become ok for the teachers to show the children that they are frustrated with them in such a way as to make that child feel like he just cant do anything right!!!

I am seriously frustrated with her!!!!!

My little man is by no means a perfect angel, but what six year old is??
He knows his boundries and the only reason that he is acting out is becuase he feels that he isnt being listened to .

So I am upset with them for behaving like they are getting him introuble for and upset with him for giving them the room to prove themselves right becuase they set him up to fail.

What is wrong with intervention before the kids are made to feel like they just cant do anything right.

My little man is in no way a bad little boy, and when he does act out, he will be the first one to come back and appologize. He has a very tender heart that doesn't need trampled on already by the people that he does his best for everyday to learn from just because THEY are impatient!!!
I am at a loss here, I am not sure what angle to follow... where is the instructions for your feelings when it comes to protecting your kids and when is it ok for you to get upset and show it enough to get the outcome that is needed?

ok sooooooo Part 2 to my mommie mission!!

I went to the school today and talked to the principle about a few of the issues that I was concerned about and she agreed that my little superhero should be placed in a different class, I was sooooo happy , its like a weight has been lifted, I just couldnt face the situation any more, I know there are those mommies out there that hate with a passion the teacher that your child is placed with but there is no sound reason that he or she should be moved. Well my little man has been regressing little by little and I thought that given time and a show of concern that it would correct itself, but it has been getting worse. HOw do you feel when your little ones are frustrated..... I will tell you how you feel..horrible... you cant concentrate on anything else knowing that SOMETHING in my little ones zone is just not right!!!! I have tried so hard and done so much that it is bothering me extremely bad that he is having such a hard time, then again maybe its the fact that I am slowly realizing that I cant stop everything, that he will have to man up and make some good decisions on his own that I am not there to help him with, meanwhile I am in the back ground praying that he makes the best decisions possible.....

then it hit me the other day .. I had a glimpse of his happiness.... I saw in his eyes, contentment. a light that I had not seen in such a long time.... I will have to give you a little history for you to understand it really. We have been living with family for almost two years now, we had a 3 bedroom apt, and yes it was on the rather ghetto side of town but at least it was ours and we were some what happy , I say somewhat because it was the ghetto side of town :) but we each had our own room and we kept to ourselves and were content for the time being, that is until some one decide that they wanted all of our belongings and would not quit untill they had it all!!! We got broke into twice in two months and they stole anything they wanted. My parents were gracious enough to allow us to move into a guest room at there house until we could get on our feet and then as we were preparing to move, I had to leave my position at work and start with a new company. so longer story short we have all three lived together in a little guest room for the past almost two years now and we are finally a few months away from being financially free and being able to move out on our own again!! the deal was for me to pay off all my debt so that I could move somewhere safer for the little ones and it has finally come to pass... so the other day in anticipation of our big move day .... we went to claremore and bought a bed for my little man....we had just got back from claremore and put the bed in what little room we had left in out room and I put covers on it and tucked him in to sleep and he just layed down sooooo peacefully and smiled , he layed one arm behind his head , looked up and then put the other one across his tummy and just grinned, he took a deep breath and let iut out slowly and just looked up at me with such a happy smile and *sighed*, this is my bed mom? he asked. Yes baby, its for you! I said and I couldnt help but give him a hug, I remembered then that I would do anything to keep that smile on his face and that peace in his heart, I know that hard times will come but I pray that the spirit of greatfullness never leaves him.

right now....

2009-12-09T18:24:00.000-08:00

Don't look to close or you might see me tonight, you might see through me....
If your eyes were open you would see a crushed spirit and a torn heart..
For all the love a soul can possess, is it enough for you?
I prevail through prayer and smile so that you will never see,
but those that close their eyes and don't know me will never see
my heart still breaks repeatedly and inadequacy floods my minds eye...

A hand from the past intervenes and all is still and quiet again,
why wont the tears just stop, I didn't want you to see me this way.
Knowledge creeps in a and reminds me of what I can never be to and for them,
yet have I ever asked believing that I would receive?
I am asking now, I am pleading , my heart is broken and open
where do I go from here.......

I don't ask for me , I ask for all of us.

Amen

Happily Me

2009-12-08T19:18:00.000-08:00

I think that everyone should have someone love them more than anyone else,
I know that everyone hurts in their own ways and only God can really mend a broken heart,
I love the people in my life more than they realize
I say a prayer for every firetruck, ambulance or police siren that I hear or see and am passing the prayer habit on to my kids,
I always strive to see the best in people and believe that everyone deserve that chance but dont always show it,
I get frustrated by people that have attitudes and then I have to check myself because I can be the same way,
I melt when my little boy looks in my eyes.... he is the love of my life!!
I reminisce when my little girl cuddles up in my lap and I hear her ask God if she can stay little forever....
I am eternally grateful, forever thankful and immensely proud to have the family that I have
I cherish my siblings but should show it more often
I miss my brother so very much and cant wait for him to be home
I am blessed with parents that have hearts of gold and would never take what they have done for granted
I dream big and close my eyes and picture my life with someone that will cherish me
I pray everyday for a father to my children
I am blessed beyond measure and know that God has a plan for my life and my kids
I have a deep wound inside myself that only two people in the world knows about, the one that caused it and the one that held me when I cried.
I have an unwavering strength that comes from a never ending fountain, I will accomplish anything I set my mind to,
I brush my teeth in the shower and shave my legs in the sink sometimes,
I hang up all my clothes so that even my nightgowns are not wrinkled, when I wear one:)
I highlight all the transaction in my checkbook in purple after they have been deducted from my account, even though I like pink better
I have a girlfriend that shares clothes with me and it makes me feel special
I love plants but I dont have a green thumb
I am extremely picky but very easy to please
I love spending time with people and hate doing homework
I pray that my kids are picking up more of the good in my than the bad
I pray with the deepest passion one can have that I will be all that God created me to be and that when He looks at me He will say "Well Done"

Random Thought Tuesday

2009-12-08T07:44:00.000-08:00

I'm in last place .....

If I place at all......

da na na na na

UnderDog!!!!

Thats the waayy uh huh I like it!!!!!

They call me the UnderDog!!!!

THE ZONE

2009-12-07T14:39:00.000-08:00

4:42 p.m. sitting at work and thinking about "the zone."
now, only if you are 'in the zone' could you possibly understand what 'the zone' is, it is highly confidential and classified information collected by and only by the most qualified of all personnel.

Membership into 'the zone' is difficult to obtain and could have adverse health effects if not rendered in such a fashion as to declare ones ultimate and undying devotion to the secrecy of "the zone"

side effects are not common but may result from frequent entry into "the zone" they may include but are not limited to the inability to control ones laughter and urge to pee when laughter peeks to such high volumes that ones body refuses to listen to reason..results are not typical and may vary due to ones sense of humor.....
please ask a local member for more information .

ZONE LOG entry #1

Big Momma to Zone leader : Dooo yoooou read me?

Zone Leader to Big Momma: I read you loud and clear, whats up!

Big Momma: Chillin Chillin, anything new in the Zone today?

Zone Leader : Roger that Big Momma we are cutting our nails!!!!
(kids in the back ground crying and Zone Leader snathces twinkle toes as he trying to escape yet again!!!)
the mission under way is to get all accounted for civilians into The TURBO CAR!!!!(ooohhhh aaahhhh) before THE ZONE's arch enemy MR. TIME (eeeeewwwwww) conquers her carefully thought out and meticulous schedule.

Zone Leader to Big Momma: Two down and one more to go!

Big Momma to Zone Leader: Good luck zone leader we are counting on you!! yoooooou caaaaannn doooooo iiiiit!!

Big Momma : Zone OUT!

Please stay tuned for the next adventure in THE ZONE with Zone Leader and Big Momma.

today

2009-12-07T13:38:00.000-08:00

I guess maybe there is some unwritten(or if it is written, feel free to correct me) law that says you are only supposed to blog once a day... well my beautiful mind is to chaotic and there for to random to have all the my epiphany thoughts all in one single yet mind blowing moment each day.... this is a process for me!! a friend said something today that I have always known but never put into practice in my life.
she said" If I can just get past those first five minutes......then I am ok"
now I know this might now be a revelation to the blog world but for any one that has had an addiction be it small or grand and you are trying to quit because you know inside that it is just time..... then these words could save your life.

Jesse

2009-12-07T10:25:00.001-08:00

I am praying for you and I love you

why do I do the things I do

2009-12-07T10:21:00.000-08:00

I wish that I could say I am the perfect mom but I get to stressed and I am so used to having to tell them to be quiet that when they dont have to be , I still find my self asking them to SHUUUSH!! I dont want to be that way.... I think about them alll day and I see their pictures and I know how I love them so why cant we just have a peacfull night with out them whining about everything, and if they do whine Lord please help me to handle them with the same grace that you show me , even when I dont deserve it.. I jsut dont want them to think I have gone soft and then they will do what ever they want, nuh huh not in my house!! blah!

I had another dream to compare

2009-12-02T18:11:00.000-08:00

ok so I am super glad that only one person in the entire universe actually knows who this person is that is writing this blog :) this is my reminder to tell you about it and what I think it actually was.

you will only really understand this completly if you know the situations that were going on in my life at the moment in time that these dreams have brought me back to....

If you read my blog from a few days ago It is like my subconcious was metaphorically letting go of something

it takes me back to Olsvaldo... I havent said his name or even thought about him in many years, but when I had another dream the day after the first one, I saw a pattern in my thoughts and I knew that it is finally time to let go .... even as I write this I cant bring myself to let out all that happened in my life in that time but I know that even though my dreams seem like a play on some fantasy movie.. after having two in a row and with specific details I know that my mind is letting things out that I had blocked for a very long time.... my second dream was about Omni. Now I know that none of you in the blog world have even the faintist idea what I am talking about but I am writing this more for my own healing than any other...... I used to write to express how I felt and it enabled me to have an "out" that I needed to get the feelings out that I needed to express with out a crazy outcome becuase of stress in building up emotions. Olsvaldo was someone that changed my life... he does not define who I am today but he played a part in my life that I can not deny. I have parts of my life where I have no memories and you would think it unreal for me to try to describe the memories I do have. God had blessed me enough to get me throught the hard times with out the emotional turmoil that normally comes with many of the things I have faced in life... but I stand on His promise and the knowledge that nothing is impossible through Him and He is the healer of the broken...

Random Thought Tuesday

2009-12-01T18:11:00.000-08:00

For my random thought today I am using a conversation held this afternoon with my six year old son.

"Mom, where was Michelle(his sister) born?"he asked

"She was born at Hillcrest," I said, "where is that? " he asked

"in Tulsa" I said.

" and I was born in Texas?" he asked

"Yes" I said

"That means you and Michelle are AFRICANS and I am MEXICAN!!!!!!" he exclaims (in a very profound and exasperated voice)

It was hilarious!!!!!!

randomness

2009-11-28T22:01:00.000-08:00

If you don't know me you will either soon come to appreciate my randomness or just get used to it :) , right now I am supposed to be studying and or maybe sleeping but what I would really like is to be drinking a cup of hot cocoa and talking to my brother or drinking hot cocoa and snuggling with the only man on earth that has ever made me feel loved inside and out, now if only I could hurry up and meet him!!!

My Crazy Subconscious

2009-11-28T15:14:00.000-08:00

So ..it all starts in a conversation with a friend about the new-to-me craze involving vampires....

I seem to have a weird fascination with vampires but not the gory kind, I am talking about the handsome lovelorn passionate one that always seem so lonely....

first the books, the fans, the movies, ....well now the dreams.

that's right you read it correctly, I have been having dreams about vampires and this fantastically surreal world where Dracula is supposed to have pledged his undying love, which should have been a red flag in itself being that he is ALREADY DEAD, to me and only me!

SO the story begins in the dark of night up in the highest room of an ancient castle with fog slowly creeping in and out the windows and Dracula laying beside me keeping me warm..( another red flag-dead vampire= no body warmth=cold night for me, you get the point)

He looks down at me and in his undeniably sexy voice he says that in aaalll of eternity(because he has been 'alive' for centuries)he has never felt for anyone what he feels for me:)!!

as I swoon under his spell and let myself give in to his charm, only for some reason I am not completely taken, I pull away from him and tell him that if he really loves me then he will wait for me, that he will not try his charming ways on me.
He gives me a ring that he has never given any other mortal before and finally I am convinced that it is true and he does love me.

I rise and walk away from him only to look back over my shoulder to blow a kiss and already he is with another woman !!! now I have felt betrayal before but not like this!!!

(exert from reality - at this point in the dream I am thinking to myself " the man has been "alive" for centuries and he cant wait one mortals life time for a lady that he is professing to love" !!!! and as I am infuriated in my dream I am moving around and I start to wake myself up... only to find that I am telling my self that I better not wake up until I have given him a piece of my mind!!! )

so I look back and I see that another woman has conveniently placed herself in what I consider to be my man 's lap!! and I proceed to turn and walk away in the most "cant you see how bad you hurt me and why are you not following me ,YOU BETTER GET UP RIGHT NOW AND START FOLLOWING ME stomping upset walk off that I can do with out completely going off on both of them and he just lays there and doesn't try to move , already assuming defeat at the hand of this other woman.....

now quite frankly I dont know which is more disturbing 1. that I am mad about a dead guy not wanting to be faithful to me or 2. that I was so convinced that he was real at that point that I told my self I could not wake up until the issue was resolved... you be the judge...

the funny thing is that I am not the jealous girlfriend or the crazy ex but some how I play both roles in this short film.....lol well as much as this was probably a moment where you really just would have had to be inside my mind to understand it and all , it was hilarious to me because I have found this unquenchable desire for the passion that I see behind the vampires. so I will go back to my fantasy land eventually one day and you never know he might be there waiting.......

unknown

2009-11-27T07:27:00.000-08:00

I see everything in my minds eye that I have envisioned for my life and everything that I might do or would like to do. I have mental checklists because at times I think I am to efficient for my own good. I have to let it all go and I am not sad for this because I know the plans He has for me are far more greater than I would have written into my life, the place He will send me is safer than where I would have gone.. the man that will be a father and husband will be stronger and gentler than I could have hoped for, I will wait and pray that God gives me the strength for this life.... to teach my kids not to be afraid and how to be confident in themselves with out running over others, how to share and show love to people like He would. There are people in my life that I love and want to be the best friend to that I can but not be in their way, how do you find a balance....

its funny because I started this blog to finally have a place that I could release some of the frustrations that I could never say to anyone around me, and at the same time have somewhere to share the joys that I want to shout to the hill tops,... but then I realize, God hears my cries when no one else does and He is the only one that can truly change my life. And my kids are the closest people in my life that I want to share everything with and I dont want to be frustrated so much so that I can share things with them, God help me to be the best mother through you that I can be and mold them to seek you, they watch me and if I am frustrated they will be to.... I have a lot of growing up to do still and I pray that they will take more of the good than the bad from me...