exhaustion

today I am exhausted, I dont want to smile, I dont want to laugh, I dont want to open my eyes, I just want to lay down and float away into another reality. Everything wrong has happened since I woke up , why cant I react better and then maybe it wouldnt have been so bad, why not? becuase I can t even get the will to be nice. I am tired, my body aches, my mind hurts and my heart is scared. I am utterly exhausted and I need time, I need a break... God I know that you are my provider and even in times when I dont even know what it is that I need, you do. I pray you would bring it to me today, Lord.

randomness

I am going to do something good for my family, I am going to do something good for me.

The happier I am , the happier they will be,

The healthier I am , he healthier they will be

What does it seem so hard to make the right decisions sometimes when you know it will be the better choice for all of you.

i want to be healthier and lately I have really been miserable and it is starting to show in more ways than one.

I dont have any real friends any more

I have people that I know , people that I like or that like me ,
but the ones I think of as close friends all have things that I dont want , all except Eunice, but she is so far away

I try so hard to be there for people but they dont seem to care or even realize what it takes to go out of my way and do things for them that might be easier if they just did it them selves.

I want to help thats why I don it bu it gets old when no one helps me
but I know thats not true either, God puts people in our lives that help us get through.

It seems like there is always someone around to help me get through a certain situation but then they are gone. I want some one to stay .

I dont want to here about parties that you went to and got drunk because that doesnt make you look cool to me. that shows me your lack of intelligence , but who am I to judge.

My mind plays tricks on me

I am realy fine.
My reality is a normal life at least now days.
I tell my self that I am fine and life is good but I dont really believe it.
When you look at me , what do you see?
I sometimes wonder what people really think of me and if they are talking about me behind my back the way that they do about all of their other friends. Maybe I would care but probably not.
Some times I miss the way I used to be but then I realize that I am the way I am for a reason and I love who I really am. I wish more people could see the real me.

Even the people that would tell you that they know me better than anyone else, scarcely even know me.
I have not been who I am and who I want to be in so long.
I keep making excuses because it would just be to much to take care of me.
Just one more thing added to my schedule that I cant fit in anyways.
but I do a grat job taking care of anyone else right? how good of a job can it be if they can see that I am not whole.
Its starting to show now
my life started to fall apart, my sanity waiver. there was one thing that grounded me and that one thing was God.

I seek him now in my spirit. I want Him more than ever. I need Him more than ever.

God show me the way to trust you and rely soley on you
give me strength inspite of my self, I pray your Joy in my life again!

Random thought whatever day

I like the green lime flavored popcorn from The Corn Popper!!!!! It is yummy !!!

I know

I know that it is my fault when things dont go well with the kids, I need me to be more disciplined with them, they need me to be more consistent. Then why is it that they can be little angels for weeks in a row and then turn into Devil spawn!!!! My little girl feels like she has the right to throw tantrums suddenly and my little boy reverts back to crying?!?! what the heck!!!!!!!! I thought this was finally over and I could start actually enjoying my kids but then here they go screaming again, when did they start this and why couldnt I have prevented it, why is it always peachy when its someone elses kids and you can do nothing right when its your own???? I miss them all day and want to see them until I actually pick them up and they argue about the stupidist thing and then I wish I never picked them up, I know that sounds bad but its just so frustrating and me getting upset doesnt help but how do you get their attention with out getting louder than they are??? every one thinks my kids are the perfect kids! ha!! you try taking them to the store and they will walk beside you holding your hand but the second you say they cant have something they want and they start whining and by the time you get out of the store one of them is in a full fledged fit. I really cant take it and I want to just leave them there sometimes. j/k but really if you have kids you know how frustrating it can be and no I would never really leave them there but every sane mother has those insane thoughts at times. it all boils down to me. I need to step up to the plate, its really hard though, how can I do it? I need God to help me , I cant do it with out Him. I need to get up earlier every morning and be ready so that when they get up I can help them through their morning instead of dishing out orders and making them rush around half asleep cause I woke up late, and I need to focus on work while at work and some how fit in a short fitness routine that will help me keep my energy level up, I need to red my bible every morning or night and let them see me so that they will develope the habit also, I need to make time to study after the kids go to bed so that they dont feel like I am ignoreing them when I study and they want to play, I need to make the evening time about them and remember to discipline enough to make a difference. I want to go to wed night church but we get home to late to get anything doen and we get to bed late which throughs them off their schedule, need to get all this worked out and I just cant even do half of it on my own. I need to have time for them people in my life also, my friends and family so that they dont think I have forgotten them, and time to do things with the kids beside dinner and bath time. and maybe some day find a husband , he he wouldnt that be nice. He would have to be one of a kind to put up with me but I guess thats what would make him worth it:) So I pray strength wisdom and perseverance to us both!!

My thoughts for today

I am so blessed and glad to be working for a company that I can believe in. I see a passion in the people that work there, an understanding that I need in my life.

Why does school have to be so stressful, every aspect, from my soons first grade teacher to my online courses being full before I even get a chance to sign up???

Why do people think that because of something that happened to them, that I would ever stop loving them. They don't see through me or know whats happened to me, but I guess I kinda look like I am fine so nothing has ever happened to me that would compare with what they have gone through so I just wouldnt understand............No, I have had my share of hard times and I have entrust the future to a God that knows my past and still loves me and is watching out for me so I dont have to focus on what was, I can look to what will be..... I could never judge a person , it simply isnt my place, I would never say that you are unworthy or unloveable because someone has doen something wrong to you, it doesnt change who you are, it doesnt make you a statistic, you are still you. The same beautiful intelligant and loving person I have always known you to be. I have seen you at your worst and I have seen you shining at your best but why do people think that becuase something happened to them that you would love them any less

My son had his first day in his new classroom and absolutaly loooooved it!!!!! he was super excited and couldnt wait to tell me all about his new teacher!! Thank you Jesus for favor in the school system!! Both his and mine!!


I wish that my mom could be a regular mom......... I love her but she is always sick, for as long as I can remember. I want her to feel healthy, I want her to be happy. I have always felt like I was in the way some how when I actually just wanted to help, but nothing is ever good enough, nothing satisfied. how do you make happy the sad. How do you make some one feel who doesnt have the desire or want to. I pray for healing and I know that she despairs , I try to imagine life if she were to be happy, maybe she would go shopping with me sometime or watch the kids so I could go on a date...lol but really I just wish I could take away the pain of the last 15 years and let her have a normal life pain free....

I bought an area rug for my living room when I move and I kinda want it in my room now and I dont want to spend that much money on another one?!


I have a secret....something only one other person in the world knows

I have another secret.... something only two people in the world know

how many secrets do we really keep?

intentionally or not, we forget, or want to, and we never tell anyone

or we hide and purposefully never say a word.

no one has any idea, no one would ever know, unless.......

I will find out soon enough. but will you?

God only knows and only He has a devine purpose for my life that even I could not screw up, so Lord let it be as you will......Amen

Zone log entry #2

Coming soon......